I know, I know. It's been a while.
I've been seriously entrenched in battle with the Bug, for Pete's sake. Last Wednesday (perhaps Thursday?), he had the audacity to retreat and allow Major Pukey to advance. I have added fortifications around my camp in the hopes never to have to see that twerp again, thanks, and I will humbly accept any and all prayers to that effect.
**DISCLAIMER: Whining forthcoming** I can't believe how bad this nausea is getting. I can eat, but only small bits at a time (and often, because the hunger in between is when he comes at me with the heavy artillery!). I can eat sandwiches, but not the crust of the bread. It's getting more and more difficult to swallow my vitamins (hey--I am totally glad that I can still take them at all, considering that by this time with my others I hadn't been taking them for weeks). And isn't it amazing that at one moment the thought of one food is fabulous, and the next moment you realize it's all a trick, that the Nausea Bug has used that food to invite the wretched Major to return?! Who'd ever have known?
Nine weeks. Well, nine weeks and some change. That, my friends, means nearly 25%. One quarter. This is a thrilling thought. It's a mixed thought to my heart, but thrilling to my brain. Go figure. I'm still struggling, but confession on Friday was amazing. I actually put words to what has been going on--I realized, for the first time, that there is a Bottom Line to this whole struggle in my heart. I just have not been trusting God. Ha! How human is that, I ask you? But that's really what it comes down to. I know that He will allow me to totally mess up and fall on my face, and bring me out of it in His grace and love. I know that at times I will feel abundantly blessed, and at other times I will feel completely bereft of any happiness...and I know that His plan is what will ultimately win out.
Philippians four-thirteen, for Pete's sake. And the Prayer that Never Fails. (That translates to, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," and "Thy Will Be Done.")
My friend Phil has always said so constantly, "God provides," that it not only became a mantra for me, but I find myself spouting it to others on a regular basis. It's true. He will provide every thing, every way, every circumstance that we need in our lives to bring us closer to Him. It's our job to discern how to respond, and whether to receive His blessings joyfully or to be bitter about the ways we have to get there.
A conversation with a friend this afternoon has seriously inspired me to be more joyful--to purposefully seek the joy in every circumstance. So I vow, from this moment on, to find the joy in my battle with the Bug. I promise to find the joy rather than the fear in this pregnancy, to make the best of these days that my baby is a secret inside of me. I endeavor to truly feel the privilege of carrying a life, of consciously nourishing this child in ways that I can't even understand...but I can--and I will--appreciate. I am not going to put aside my sadness in losing Gabriel. But I am no longer going to let that sadness determine how I will accept the beauty of these forty weeks (now thirty-one).
Fear is not of Him. But joy is a gift of the Holy Spirit, and by golly, I don't want anything but His gifts and goodness.